The Ride of My Life

When I first started the conversion process someone said to me that it would be like a roller coaster ride. I was amused of course, but didn't have any idea what they were talking about.

Since then I have been moving right along, learning prayers, saying blessings, going to shul, classes... anything and everything that I could do to make me Jewish ASAP. But apparently I lost sight of something along the way because Hashem has seen fit to bring all that to a screeching halt. I must say I'm not happy about it. I was quite content to just roll along and do whatever it is that makes you Jewish. But recently, I was forced to look at the fact that the path I was on would be doing no more than I had as a Christian... what I was TOLD to do. Now I have to look at the WHY.... but why, I want to know, is the why so important. I've been racking my brains for days. And although I'm sure the answer is right there in front of me, it doesn't come. What difference does it make. I honestly don't understand why every person who comes to believe that Judaism is true doesn't just convert anyway.

Once you determine that something is truth, why ask why?

I think perhaps this stems from some leftover Christian programming, that in the long run would make it very hard for me to be Jewish or to have a real relationship with G-d... the kind He reallys wants to have with us. Or perhaps doing what I'm told without questioning is just easier. It comes naturally... I am the oldest of six children after all. Perhaps actually getting to know G-d terrifies me. Sometimes I don't pray for things, just because He will probably answer me and then I am confronted on another level with His reality.... if that makes any sense.

And although I am thankful that He loves me enough to make me think, I am also incredibly frustrated that this is so hard for me.

With hope that this stomach-in-my-throat plunge will soon swing upwards once again on the roller coaster that is conversion to Judaism and knowing that there is a reason for it all, I continue...

OverTheRainbow