Thursday, May 18, 2006

Same Page

Ok... I have been officially blown away. I just came back from a Chabad Lunch 'n' Learn that is held in my building every Thursday.

We learned about tzaddiks versus the average person. Tzaddiks have no struggle with right or wrong, they always desire to do Hashem's will. The average person has no control over their own desire to sometimes do things contrary to Hashem's will. They have to control their actions which are the garments that cover the neshama.

I am not doing this much justice, but hopefully you get the idea. Tzaddiks always do good because they don't desire to do anything else. The average person has to struggle to choose to do good.

I then returned to my desk after this lesson and read the Chabad 'Thought for the Day', which is always taken from the Rebbe's writings.

And this is what I found...

Maybe you feel you just can't hack it. You know there is nothing to fear, but you are afraid. You know there are no obstacles that cannot be overcome, but those, you claim, are words for the lionhearted. Your heart is somewhat less of iron and more of flesh. You know fear first hand, and it is ugly.
It's true, there are people who do not run from anything in this world. Even as they enter this world, they remain above and beyond. Their feet barely touch the ground.
They are the tzaddikim, who never enter the monster's lair. And therefore, they never truly defeat him. But you, with their strength, you will face that awesome fear inside you and you will wrestle it to the dust. For yourself and for all those after you.

From the wisdom of the Lubavitcher Rebbe; words and condensation by Tzvi Freeman. To order Tzvi's book, "Bringing Heaven Down to Earth, click here.

Coincidence?.... I think not! Isn't Hashem awesome!!!


Wednesday, May 17, 2006

When You're Smiling...

When you're smiling, when you're smiling,
The whole worlds smiles with you,
When you're laughing, when you're laughing,
The sun comes shining through...

And so begins one of my favorite songs of all time made famous by one of my most favorite people of all time... Judy Garland.

I recently found out that this was one of my grandfather's favorite songs as well. :)

And I have found out just how true this song can be...

I woke up in the middle of the night very tense. I got up and walked my dog and then tried to lay back down. I wanted to turn on the TV just so there would be something to drown out my brain which would not stop. I started to talk to G-d... just whatever popped into my head, but I wasn't 'feeling' any better. Then I remembered what I've heard many times about Rebbe Nachman. He taught that you must force yourself to be happy no matter what. You have to fight with everything that is in you. He said that G-d can't speak to you if you are unhappy (loosley paraphrasing). I didn't feel like getting up to dance or skip or anything, so I just lay there and forced all my face muscles up into a very tight, insincere smile. After a few minutes I began to imagine how silly I must look with this maniacal grin on my face and the smile became a bit more genuine. :-)

Then the most amazing thing happened... I literally felt something release inside me, starting with the hard knot of tension that lay in my chest. The pressure came streaming out like air from a popped balloon. I felt every muscle in my body relax in succession all the way down to the bottom of my feet and up to the top of my head. My fists unclenched as my head sank deeper into my pillows and my brain stopped spinning. It was absolutely incredible and better than any massage I'd ever had!

Finally I fell asleep again and slept like a baby.

It was really like a miracle. Who knew a smile could be miraculous? :-)

Of course this goes to prove my life-long theory of "he who laughs most, lives longest". LOL!

Keep on smilin'!


Tuesday, May 02, 2006

In the middle...

...I'm feeling very 'in the middle' these days. I am still quite a ways from my goal of conversion and yet the closer I get the stronger the pull becomes and more I want to get there, faster. At the same time I know I have to maintain the steady pace that I've set for myself. That is so hard to do. What can I say...

I guess some day I'll look back on these random posts and smile... G-d willing

On the journey...

...I am feeling so 'verklemped' these days, as they say. Can't seem to stop crying. And for all the progress I'd like to think I've made there are days when I feel as if I've regressed right back to a three-yr-old again.

I'd like to stop crying. I hate going to work anymore and I hate being alone and I hate that I can't seem to stop watching television even though I want to. I can only stand the dead silence for so long... anyway...

That's just where I am at... on my journey.