Friday, March 17, 2006

The Long Haul

I can honestly say that in my entire life I have never been happier, never more content.

Just ask my grandmother. She's thrilled. Everytime I talk to her she tells me how she doesn't worry about me anymore.

Certainly I haven't arrived and I mean "happier, more contented" comparatively speaking. But it is true and having direction in my life and such a real connection with Hashem has brought me alot of peace.

It has also made my Yetzer Hara stronger. Oddly enough, when you are a Christian you are taught that the closer you get to G-d the harder it will be for "Satan" to get to you.

Judaism, as always, offers the reality check that it is not "Satan" who is our true enemy, but our very own selves, the evil inclination within us.

Whether I like it or not it's not going anywhere and the harder I try and the stronger I get, it just grows right along with me. It's like a work out partner that never lets you stop...:)

So even though I'm happier, more content with a clear direction, I now face the real me and think often to myself that I will never make it. The end of my journey to convert seems so very far away and even when I'm "official" the "journey" doesn't end. Sometimes I get tired just thinking about it. It's how I feel in these few minutes. Very shortly, however, I will probably think of some small victory that I have won today over my Yetzer Hara or some milestone that I have reached and it will bring a smile to my face and a thrill to my neshama.

And then my Yetzer Hara will smile right back and demand a 100 push ups or 50 more laps around the track...