Thursday, September 21, 2006

In between...

I think I figured out what part of my problem is of late. I have almost 9 months of official studying behind me. I think it has dawned on my subconscience that if I really want this, and if I really continue at the pace with which I started, it is very possible... not guaranteed... but very possible that in the next 6 - 9 months or so I could be converted.

In the beginning of my conversion process, I kept blowing off all the family issues as N/A in my case because I hardly ever see them... I mean literally I only see them a couple of times a year. How hard could that be? But as I get closer to accomplishing my goal, I guess I'm beginning to realize more and more exactly how much I am leaving behind, giving up.

I guess I was hoping it wouldn't matter. Silly me.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Conversion Burnout

It happens. People tell you all the time. 'Take it easy... take it slow... don't do too much too fast.' Of course the rabbi says it, but that's what he's supposed to say.

I think it is inevitable though, at least to some degree anyway. Converting to Judaism is like nothing else. And there is so much about it that you couldn't possibly begin to comprehend until you are actually doing it.

And so I step back.... unwillingly... for I must. I don't want the fire to die out. I don't want my dream to fade. I have to realize that I've reached my absorption level. I can't learn anything else right now, it wouldn't stick anyway. And that's OK. Hard to admit but I'm sure it is.

It gets to the point that you are afraid to say you have to slow down or stop for awhile because somehow that might get back to the rabbi. Then he won't think you are sincere and he'll make you wait a whole extra year just to prove your sincerity... and on and on. It can really get to you.

And when you're not yet married, and you have to wait until you decide what you want to be when you grow up... it makes it especially hard to put on the brakes. And yet it must be done.

I've never been an introvert in my life, but I see myself turning into one and that is not a good sign for me. Crowds scare me. Questions scare me. I use to love to tell my story. Now I just hate saying my name... my very non-Jewish name.

And so that is where I am. Where I will be tomorrow... I do not know. But that I must leave in the hands of the One, Who has already seen the face of my beloved and knows the names of my little ones. May Hashem keep them safe until we can all be together in His time and His way.