Nothingness

Recently, the 'nothingness' that I spoke of in a previous post has been trying to pull me back in again. All of the ideals and ideas and even resentments I'd had before seem to be trying to creep back in. It brings with it the elusive appeal that maybe... somehow, someway I could still be a truly fulfilled person without G-d as a permanent part of my life. I suppose this is a normal part of growing and it's probably normal for someone who is trying to lift theirself out of nothingness.

I do not fight with myself over it. I learned not to do that when I left Christianity. I try very hard not to judge myself for having it in my thoughts. Instead I look within objectively (as much possible) and simply observe what goes on inside me. Because I know that if I can stay still long enough the truth will emerge once again, crystal clear to me.

I find it very interesting that the 'nothingness' should try to return at this particular point in my life. I have recently been through a rather hard time because of the holidays and because of a forced separation from my biological family.

And I gently remind myself to remember that 'nothingness' can be deceptively appealing when we are in pain and would rather be numb to all that is real and true. Truth means life, but also often means the intense light of self examination and soul searching.

And so I watch and pray over my soul. Asking G-d to continue to guide, asking from myself only to listen very carefully for the still, small voice that has never led me astray.