My Mother

I never thought I'd miss my mother, I never knew I had her to lose. But there is a little girl And she remembers Chocolate chip cookies, Spaghetti, Lasagna, Cooking, Baking, Dusting And being awaken once a year at 6:24 to be reminded that she had just been born.

Over the rainbow... at last

And so my dear friends and witnesses. To anyone who may have tripped across my blog at any point during the last two years... I am writing to let you know that I have arrived at the end of my rainbow.

I am at last a daughter in Israel, a bat Avraham Avinu. As I write these words even I cannot comprehend them, even though my memories of the mikveh are very vivid. It all seems very much like a dream.

I do not have words for how I feel... happy, overjoyed... these do not really describe the state I am in. However, others who been on the journey with me can attest to the fact that it is nothing less than a miracle.

Thank you, Hashem, for only You could have brought me this far. And this is only the beginning...

Chaviva Rut bat Avraham ve Sara

Loneliness

Loneliness is a funny thing,
It ebbs and flows like the tide.
A dull ache in your chest,
An inexplicable longing for something just out of reach.
Without warning it arrives,
Defying a crowded room or happy circumstance.
Threatening to smother you in its suffocating embrace,
Uninvited, undefined, indefinitely.

And so the journey begins...

...after a year and a half of thinking I was going through a conversion process, I realized today that it has just begun. Today I decide if I will go on for the sake of the Torah alone.

Tomorrow I will decide again.

The light shines on the path only far enough to see one day at a time. It is the ultimate test of faith. Each day I wonder if I will make it. Each day I learn that, truly, what does not kill you definitely makes you stronger.

Tears are the rain,
Laughter is the sunshine,
Both are required to grow.

Dream

The heart would break were it not for the rushing pulse
The soul would vaporize were it not for the forceful breath
Joy is limitless and sorrow comes
From knowing that only a taste will ever be afforded
Agony and defeat walk hand in hand with peace and triumph
Fulfillment and denial wait together at the end of every rainbow
Vindication sleeps beneath the shroud of doubt
Every fork in the road gives birth to a dream as
Its sister is put to death.

Beautifully Broken

Yesterday I found myself with nothing to do and the urge to create something. I went to the local craft store looking for unfinished wood and paint, but was inexplicably drawn to a mosaic art kit instead.

I am a firm believer in things choosing you. You are drawn to certain people, items, times, events all for very specific reasons whether you are aware of it or not. I have never had the desire to do mosaics in my entire life, but suddenly there I was standing in line and and feeling very good about the votive candle holders I was going to make.

As I was reviewing the instructions on the back of the box it hit me. The very first step in mosaics is to take the shiny, perfectly square pieces of glass and break them with a hammer. They have to be broken before they can be used in the beautiful art form that is mosaics.

Then I knew why this had called to me. I have a laundry list of things in my life that I would love to go back and fix, change, rearrange or simply undo, but I'm not allowed. I shouldn't even wish it. Somehow, all those mess ups and broken pieces are being arranged into something amazingly beautiful.

While this is hardly an original lesson in life, it is the one of which I needed to be reminded of at that moment.

One of my favorite songs by Corrine Bailey Rae says, "All these things happen for a reason, don't you go and throw it all away." I love that line because again it reminds me that "everything" really does mean everything... the good, the bad, the ugly and especially the things that are "beyond repair".

It was G-d's way of gently reminding me to relax because He is using every broken piece, every shard in a way that I cannot begin to comprehend. And everything He does is good, everything he makes is beautiful... and that means me too...:)