What a difference a year makes...

I just realized today that it has been nearly a year since I have posted on this blog 'o mine. When I say you will not believe all that has happened... I really mean that.

Since I last posted I have gone thru all of my first holidays as a Jewess... from Chanukah to Simchat Torah... I began dating... met someone in May... became engaged in June and GOT MARRIED in September!!

I have landed 'over the rainbow' once again. I am a VERY blessed woman.

I look forward to sharing many more simchas and hopefully with more frequency.

O'Rainbow

My Mother

I never thought I'd miss my mother, I never knew I had her to lose. But there is a little girl And she remembers Chocolate chip cookies, Spaghetti, Lasagna, Cooking, Baking, Dusting And being awaken once a year at 6:24 to be reminded that she had just been born.

Over the rainbow... at last

And so my dear friends and witnesses. To anyone who may have tripped across my blog at any point during the last two years... I am writing to let you know that I have arrived at the end of my rainbow.

I am at last a daughter in Israel, a bat Avraham Avinu. As I write these words even I cannot comprehend them, even though my memories of the mikveh are very vivid. It all seems very much like a dream.

I do not have words for how I feel... happy, overjoyed... these do not really describe the state I am in. However, others who been on the journey with me can attest to the fact that it is nothing less than a miracle.

Thank you, Hashem, for only You could have brought me this far. And this is only the beginning...

Chaviva Rut bat Avraham ve Sara

Loneliness

Loneliness is a funny thing,
It ebbs and flows like the tide.
A dull ache in your chest,
An inexplicable longing for something just out of reach.
Without warning it arrives,
Defying a crowded room or happy circumstance.
Threatening to smother you in its suffocating embrace,
Uninvited, undefined, indefinitely.

And so the journey begins...

...after a year and a half of thinking I was going through a conversion process, I realized today that it has just begun. Today I decide if I will go on for the sake of the Torah alone.

Tomorrow I will decide again.

The light shines on the path only far enough to see one day at a time. It is the ultimate test of faith. Each day I wonder if I will make it. Each day I learn that, truly, what does not kill you definitely makes you stronger.

Tears are the rain,
Laughter is the sunshine,
Both are required to grow.

Dream

The heart would break were it not for the rushing pulse
The soul would vaporize were it not for the forceful breath
Joy is limitless and sorrow comes
From knowing that only a taste will ever be afforded
Agony and defeat walk hand in hand with peace and triumph
Fulfillment and denial wait together at the end of every rainbow
Vindication sleeps beneath the shroud of doubt
Every fork in the road gives birth to a dream as
Its sister is put to death.

Beautifully Broken

Yesterday I found myself with nothing to do and the urge to create something. I went to the local craft store looking for unfinished wood and paint, but was inexplicably drawn to a mosaic art kit instead.

I am a firm believer in things choosing you. You are drawn to certain people, items, times, events all for very specific reasons whether you are aware of it or not. I have never had the desire to do mosaics in my entire life, but suddenly there I was standing in line and and feeling very good about the votive candle holders I was going to make.

As I was reviewing the instructions on the back of the box it hit me. The very first step in mosaics is to take the shiny, perfectly square pieces of glass and break them with a hammer. They have to be broken before they can be used in the beautiful art form that is mosaics.

Then I knew why this had called to me. I have a laundry list of things in my life that I would love to go back and fix, change, rearrange or simply undo, but I'm not allowed. I shouldn't even wish it. Somehow, all those mess ups and broken pieces are being arranged into something amazingly beautiful.

While this is hardly an original lesson in life, it is the one of which I needed to be reminded of at that moment.

One of my favorite songs by Corrine Bailey Rae says, "All these things happen for a reason, don't you go and throw it all away." I love that line because again it reminds me that "everything" really does mean everything... the good, the bad, the ugly and especially the things that are "beyond repair".

It was G-d's way of gently reminding me to relax because He is using every broken piece, every shard in a way that I cannot begin to comprehend. And everything He does is good, everything he makes is beautiful... and that means me too...:)

The Things I Cannot Change

The most painful things in life are the ones over which we have absolutely no control. They are the ones that hit you so hard in the gut that it knocks the air out of you and all you can do is stand there and take it. It is what it is... there's nothing you can do about it... it can't be changed.

Sometimes the victory isn't making progress... it's just trying to keep from being completely annihilated.

The Rainbow in the Clouds

"There will always be a righteous minority within mankind, who despite the vapors, will be ready and willing to accept the burden and beauty of arching bravely and steadily heavenwards; to touch some of heaven's radiance from beyond, then curve gracefully back towards the earth --thus banishing the gloom from within their arc and filling the threatening atmosphere with the glorious ray of colors that are manmade reflections of G-d's truth and hope for mankind."

One of the things that absolutely fascinates me about Judaism is that it is not enough to be spiritual. You must also be practical. Spiritual principles once learned, enrich the soul. And yet, if they do not also serve to bring some betterment, some form of correction or healing to the earth then it has only served half its purpose. It is not complete.

"A rainbow signals that the present chaos is merely the storm before the calm."

Rainbows bring such a mixture of gravity and hope. It's amazing. They are a warning that once again mankind has reached the brink of G-d's patience and yet at the same time He is reminding us that there is always hope... never give up... no matter what.

Quotes from Tzvi Freeman's article posted at Chabad.org.

Sins of the fathers...

Somewhere it says that the sins of the fathers will be visited on the children... I can't remember where and at this point it doesn't matter to me. It's just that I remember. I do not believe that G-d will actually hold children responsible for what their parents did wrong. But the reality of it is that what your parents do directly effects you whether you like it or not. The choice that you have in this is whether or not it will effect you for the good or for the bad.

My father has made some terrible decisions. In fact, today I hate him. Actually there is nothing more to say. I hate him and what he has done. I hate him for the selfish coward that he has turned out to be.

In between...

I think I figured out what part of my problem is of late. I have almost 9 months of official studying behind me. I think it has dawned on my subconscience that if I really want this, and if I really continue at the pace with which I started, it is very possible... not guaranteed... but very possible that in the next 6 - 9 months or so I could be converted.

In the beginning of my conversion process, I kept blowing off all the family issues as N/A in my case because I hardly ever see them... I mean literally I only see them a couple of times a year. How hard could that be? But as I get closer to accomplishing my goal, I guess I'm beginning to realize more and more exactly how much I am leaving behind, giving up.

I guess I was hoping it wouldn't matter. Silly me.

Conversion Burnout

It happens. People tell you all the time. 'Take it easy... take it slow... don't do too much too fast.' Of course the rabbi says it, but that's what he's supposed to say.

I think it is inevitable though, at least to some degree anyway. Converting to Judaism is like nothing else. And there is so much about it that you couldn't possibly begin to comprehend until you are actually doing it.

And so I step back.... unwillingly... for I must. I don't want the fire to die out. I don't want my dream to fade. I have to realize that I've reached my absorption level. I can't learn anything else right now, it wouldn't stick anyway. And that's OK. Hard to admit but I'm sure it is.

It gets to the point that you are afraid to say you have to slow down or stop for awhile because somehow that might get back to the rabbi. Then he won't think you are sincere and he'll make you wait a whole extra year just to prove your sincerity... and on and on. It can really get to you.

And when you're not yet married, and you have to wait until you decide what you want to be when you grow up... it makes it especially hard to put on the brakes. And yet it must be done.

I've never been an introvert in my life, but I see myself turning into one and that is not a good sign for me. Crowds scare me. Questions scare me. I use to love to tell my story. Now I just hate saying my name... my very non-Jewish name.

And so that is where I am. Where I will be tomorrow... I do not know. But that I must leave in the hands of the One, Who has already seen the face of my beloved and knows the names of my little ones. May Hashem keep them safe until we can all be together in His time and His way.

To my sisters

I am missing my sisters very much. The further I go on my journey to conversion the harder it is to leave them behind. I grieve for simpler times. Memories shared. Common bonds and the connection of having been born into the same family. Same parents. Same room. Same dog. Old jokes that now make sense to no one, but me. The familiar drive way. The big van. Coming home. Laurel and Hardy. John Wayne. Grandpa.

Then we grew up. It is gone. And gone forever. It is bridge that cannot be recrossed. Nothing and no one can replace them for me. I cannot take them with me on my journey for their path has forked off and gone a different way. Always they will be in my life, but never the same. All we had was when we were little and although we experienced the harshness of life we did not comprehend. We didn't know we were angry, nor with whom.

Perhaps what I grieve is imagined and not real. Distant memories, now altered to ease the pain of what never was. Perhaps I grieve what might have been. I do not know. I only know that I am grieving. I do not wish for a minute to turn back... but still the tears must come. It is all apart of the journey.

To my sisters. I will forever love you, no matter where I go.

Maturity of the Soul

The ultimate elevation of the soul is to find it has purpose. To discover that it is not here simply to be, but to accomplish, to heal, to make better. In that moment of discovery, the soul graduates from being G-d's little child to become His representative.

From the teachings of the Lubavitcher Rebbe; rendered by Tzvi Freeman.

Latest messages from the universe...

Lesson #1
I have learned I cannot be so arrogant as to presume to know why G-d does anything, good or evil.

I can only know the lessons I learn from the things He allows to happen to me and the people He allows to cross my path. G-d uses circumstances to guide me, not to explain why.


Lesson #2
I cannot be so arrogant as to presume to know the purpose of another human being. G-d created EVERY human being with a purpose.

However, I can only discover and know the purpose of my own life and choose to fulfill it. I cannot judge the place or circumstances I may find another person in because I do not know the journey they are on nor where they have come from.

The Cliched Truth

Today I struggle with doing enough. As the war for the soul of Israel rages I know I should do more, but what, when, how? I can't get away from the thought that ultimately good must prevail. G-d is goodness and He is the one who created everything, the good, the bad and the ugly. Evil is something He uses for a higher purpose we can't understand.

Therefore in the meantime what do we do? I think about trusting Him, and I do. I think about loving Him, but how do I show it?

As I thought about this I thought about how I'd love to reach out and touch Him. To show in my most human way that I love Him. I would love to hug G-d. It's how we show we care. I'd love to go cook Him dinner or buy Him groceries or make Him a present. It made me very sad to think that I can never touch Him.

But then it dawned on me and we've all heard it a million times before, but the Truth isn't hard, it's always right in front of us, precisely within our reach.

We CAN touch G-d. We can hug Him, shake His hand, show Him we care. We can go buy groceries or bake a cake... any number of creative ways that we can think of to show that what is happening matters to us and that we want to make a difference.

You guessed it.... Ahavas Israel ..... Ahavas Ha Olam

The person sitting next to you, your next door neighbor....whomever it may be. It sounds old and worn out, but that is how the Creator set it up. He wants us to love him by loving those we can touch.

Ground Troops

I have struggled for a long time with the concept of freewill. If G-d is in charge of everything and controls everything, then where is the freewill in that.

In my most cynical days the concept of freewill sounded like a way to give G-d the credit for all the good stuff that happens while blaming us for all the things that go wrong.

But while talking to a friend recently about the many ways that G-d works in our lives, Hashem had mercy and finally put this image in my mind... a soldier flattened against the ground while elbowing his way through the thick underbrush. Hidden by his camaflauge, the sweat pours down his face in the hot jungle... he reaches for his radio. He is in enemy territory.

Then it hit me. This is life. This is how it works. Of course Hashem controls everything, He made everything. But to every soul, Jews and non-Jews alike He gave a mission that literally only that person can complete. The mission is critical and must be carried out. Lives lay in the balance. The stakes are very high.

Hashem is our radio tower, our intelligence officer. Only He can tell us where the enemy is and how to avoid the traps that have been laid for us. Only Hashem can tell us the direction to go for supplies and ammunition. Step by step He will guide us. And that is where the law of freewill kicks in. Only if we choose to use our radios, (you guessed it... prayer, along with teshuva to keep the lines of communication open), to ask Him for those directions. IT IS THAT SIMPLE. If we choose not to ask for help we have turned our very existence into a suicide mission. Our souls WILL die.

Ultimately Good will triumph, Evil cannot win. But in the end G-d doesn't want even ONE soul to be lost to the enemy. He has provided us with ABSOLUTELY everything we need in the power of freewill to make sure that never has to happen. It really is up to us.

Is your radio on?

Same Page

Ok... I have been officially blown away. I just came back from a Chabad Lunch 'n' Learn that is held in my building every Thursday.

We learned about tzaddiks versus the average person. Tzaddiks have no struggle with right or wrong, they always desire to do Hashem's will. The average person has no control over their own desire to sometimes do things contrary to Hashem's will. They have to control their actions which are the garments that cover the neshama.

I am not doing this much justice, but hopefully you get the idea. Tzaddiks always do good because they don't desire to do anything else. The average person has to struggle to choose to do good.

I then returned to my desk after this lesson and read the Chabad 'Thought for the Day', which is always taken from the Rebbe's writings.

And this is what I found...


Fortitude
Maybe you feel you just can't hack it. You know there is nothing to fear, but you are afraid. You know there are no obstacles that cannot be overcome, but those, you claim, are words for the lionhearted. Your heart is somewhat less of iron and more of flesh. You know fear first hand, and it is ugly.
It's true, there are people who do not run from anything in this world. Even as they enter this world, they remain above and beyond. Their feet barely touch the ground.
They are the tzaddikim, who never enter the monster's lair. And therefore, they never truly defeat him. But you, with their strength, you will face that awesome fear inside you and you will wrestle it to the dust. For yourself and for all those after you.

From the wisdom of the Lubavitcher Rebbe; words and condensation by Tzvi Freeman. To order Tzvi's book, "Bringing Heaven Down to Earth, click here.

Coincidence?.... I think not! Isn't Hashem awesome!!!

OTR

When You're Smiling...

When you're smiling, when you're smiling,
The whole worlds smiles with you,
When you're laughing, when you're laughing,
The sun comes shining through...

And so begins one of my favorite songs of all time made famous by one of my most favorite people of all time... Judy Garland.

I recently found out that this was one of my grandfather's favorite songs as well. :)

And I have found out just how true this song can be...

I woke up in the middle of the night very tense. I got up and walked my dog and then tried to lay back down. I wanted to turn on the TV just so there would be something to drown out my brain which would not stop. I started to talk to G-d... just whatever popped into my head, but I wasn't 'feeling' any better. Then I remembered what I've heard many times about Rebbe Nachman. He taught that you must force yourself to be happy no matter what. You have to fight with everything that is in you. He said that G-d can't speak to you if you are unhappy (loosley paraphrasing). I didn't feel like getting up to dance or skip or anything, so I just lay there and forced all my face muscles up into a very tight, insincere smile. After a few minutes I began to imagine how silly I must look with this maniacal grin on my face and the smile became a bit more genuine. :-)

Then the most amazing thing happened... I literally felt something release inside me, starting with the hard knot of tension that lay in my chest. The pressure came streaming out like air from a popped balloon. I felt every muscle in my body relax in succession all the way down to the bottom of my feet and up to the top of my head. My fists unclenched as my head sank deeper into my pillows and my brain stopped spinning. It was absolutely incredible and better than any massage I'd ever had!

Finally I fell asleep again and slept like a baby.

It was really like a miracle. Who knew a smile could be miraculous? :-)

Of course this goes to prove my life-long theory of "he who laughs most, lives longest". LOL!

Keep on smilin'!

OverTheRainbow

In the middle...

...I'm feeling very 'in the middle' these days. I am still quite a ways from my goal of conversion and yet the closer I get the stronger the pull becomes and more I want to get there, faster. At the same time I know I have to maintain the steady pace that I've set for myself. That is so hard to do. What can I say...

I guess some day I'll look back on these random posts and smile... G-d willing