Over The Rainbow

What a difference a year makes...

2008-11-09T10:14:00.002-05:00

I just realized today that it has been nearly a year since I have posted on this blog 'o mine. When I say you will not believe all that has happened... I really mean that.

Since I last posted I have gone thru all of my first holidays as a Jewess... from Chanukah to Simchat Torah... I began dating... met someone in May... became engaged in June and GOT MARRIED in September!!

I have landed 'over the rainbow' once again. I am a VERY blessed woman.

I look forward to sharing many more simchas and hopefully with more frequency.

O'Rainbow

My Mother

2007-12-20T16:10:00.001-05:00

I never thought I'd miss my mother,
I never knew I had her to lose.

But there is a little girl
And she remembers
Chocolate chip cookies,
Spaghetti,
Lasagna,
Cooking,
Baking,
Dusting

And being awaken once a year at 6:24 to be reminded that she had just been born.

Over the rainbow... at last

2007-10-23T16:39:00.000-05:00

And so my dear friends and witnesses. To anyone who may have tripped across my blog at any point during the last two years... I am writing to let you know that I have arrived at the end of my rainbow.

I am at last a daughter in Israel, a bat Avraham Avinu. As I write these words even I cannot comprehend them, even though my memories of the mikveh are very vivid. It all seems very much like a dream.

I do not have words for how I feel... happy, overjoyed... these do not really describe the state I am in. However, others who been on the journey with me can attest to the fact that it is nothing less than a miracle.

Thank you, Hashem, for only You could have brought me this far. And this is only the beginning...

Chaviva Rut bat Avraham ve Sara

Loneliness

2007-06-14T13:57:00.000-05:00

Loneliness is a funny thing,
It ebbs and flows like the tide.
A dull ache in your chest,
An inexplicable longing for something just out of reach.
Without warning it arrives,
Defying a crowded room or happy circumstance.
Threatening to smother you in its suffocating embrace,
Uninvited, undefined, indefinitely.

And so the journey begins...

2007-06-12T09:46:00.000-05:00

...after a year and a half of thinking I was going through a conversion process, I realized today that it has just begun. Today I decide if I will go on for the sake of the Torah alone.

Tomorrow I will decide again.

The light shines on the path only far enough to see one day at a time. It is the ultimate test of faith. Each day I wonder if I will make it. Each day I learn that, truly, what does not kill you definitely makes you stronger.

Tears are the rain,
Laughter is the sunshine,
Both are required to grow.

Dream

2007-05-14T10:06:00.001-05:00

The heart would break were it not for the rushing pulse
The soul would vaporize were it not for the forceful breath
Joy is limitless and sorrow comes
From knowing that only a taste will ever be afforded
Agony and defeat walk hand in hand with peace and triumph
Fulfillment and denial wait together at the end of every rainbow
Vindication sleeps beneath the shroud of doubt
Every fork in the road gives birth to a dream as
Its sister is put to death.

Beautifully Broken

2007-03-06T13:40:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I found myself with nothing to do and the urge to create something. I went to the local craft store looking for unfinished wood and paint, but was inexplicably drawn to a mosaic art kit instead.

I am a firm believer in things choosing you. You are drawn to certain people, items, times, events all for very specific reasons whether you are aware of it or not. I have never had the desire to do mosaics in my entire life, but suddenly there I was standing in line and and feeling very good about the votive candle holders I was going to make.

As I was reviewing the instructions on the back of the box it hit me. The very first step in mosaics is to take the shiny, perfectly square pieces of glass and break them with a hammer. They have to be broken before they can be used in the beautiful art form that is mosaics.

Then I knew why this had called to me. I have a laundry list of things in my life that I would love to go back and fix, change, rearrange or simply undo, but I'm not allowed. I shouldn't even wish it. Somehow, all those mess ups and broken pieces are being arranged into something amazingly beautiful.

While this is hardly an original lesson in life, it is the one of which I needed to be reminded of at that moment.

One of my favorite songs by Corrine Bailey Rae says, "All these things happen for a reason, don't you go and throw it all away." I love that line because again it reminds me that "everything" really does mean everything... the good, the bad, the ugly and especially the things that are "beyond repair".

It was G-d's way of gently reminding me to relax because He is using every broken piece, every shard in a way that I cannot begin to comprehend. And everything He does is good, everything he makes is beautiful... and that means me too...:)

The Things I Cannot Change

2006-10-31T09:21:00.000-05:00

The most painful things in life are the ones over which we have absolutely no control. They are the ones that hit you so hard in the gut that it knocks the air out of you and all you can do is stand there and take it. It is what it is... there's nothing you can do about it... it can't be changed.

Sometimes the victory isn't making progress... it's just trying to keep from being completely annihilated.

The Rainbow in the Clouds

2006-10-27T15:10:00.000-05:00

"There will always be a righteous minority within mankind, who despite the vapors, will be ready and willing to accept the burden and beauty of arching bravely and steadily heavenwards; to touch some of heaven's radiance from beyond, then curve gracefully back towards the earth --thus banishing the gloom from within their arc and filling the threatening atmosphere with the glorious ray of colors that are manmade reflections of G-d's truth and hope for mankind."

One of the things that absolutely fascinates me about Judaism is that it is not enough to be spiritual. You must also be practical. Spiritual principles once learned, enrich the soul. And yet, if they do not also serve to bring some betterment, some form of correction or healing to the earth then it has only served half its purpose. It is not complete.

"A rainbow signals that the present chaos is merely the storm before the calm."

Rainbows bring such a mixture of gravity and hope. It's amazing. They are a warning that once again mankind has reached the brink of G-d's patience and yet at the same time He is reminding us that there is always hope... never give up... no matter what.

Quotes from Tzvi Freeman's article posted at Chabad.org.

Sins of the fathers...

2006-10-27T07:44:00.000-05:00

Somewhere it says that the sins of the fathers will be visited on the children... I can't remember where and at this point it doesn't matter to me. It's just that I remember. I do not believe that G-d will actually hold children responsible for what their parents did wrong. But the reality of it is that what your parents do directly effects you whether you like it or not. The choice that you have in this is whether or not it will effect you for the good or for the bad.

My father has made some terrible decisions. In fact, today I hate him. Actually there is nothing more to say. I hate him and what he has done. I hate him for the selfish coward that he has turned out to be.

In between...

2006-09-21T10:45:00.000-05:00

I think I figured out what part of my problem is of late. I have almost 9 months of official studying behind me. I think it has dawned on my subconscience that if I really want this, and if I really continue at the pace with which I started, it is very possible... not guaranteed... but very possible that in the next 6 - 9 months or so I could be converted.

In the beginning of my conversion process, I kept blowing off all the family issues as N/A in my case because I hardly ever see them... I mean literally I only see them a couple of times a year. How hard could that be? But as I get closer to accomplishing my goal, I guess I'm beginning to realize more and more exactly how much I am leaving behind, giving up.

I guess I was hoping it wouldn't matter. Silly me.

Conversion Burnout

2006-09-18T15:58:00.000-05:00

It happens. People tell you all the time. 'Take it easy... take it slow... don't do too much too fast.' Of course the rabbi says it, but that's what he's supposed to say.

I think it is inevitable though, at least to some degree anyway. Converting to Judaism is like nothing else. And there is so much about it that you couldn't possibly begin to comprehend until you are actually doing it.

And so I step back.... unwillingly... for I must. I don't want the fire to die out. I don't want my dream to fade. I have to realize that I've reached my absorption level. I can't learn anything else right now, it wouldn't stick anyway. And that's OK. Hard to admit but I'm sure it is.

It gets to the point that you are afraid to say you have to slow down or stop for awhile because somehow that might get back to the rabbi. Then he won't think you are sincere and he'll make you wait a whole extra year just to prove your sincerity... and on and on. It can really get to you.

And when you're not yet married, and you have to wait until you decide what you want to be when you grow up... it makes it especially hard to put on the brakes. And yet it must be done.

I've never been an introvert in my life, but I see myself turning into one and that is not a good sign for me. Crowds scare me. Questions scare me. I use to love to tell my story. Now I just hate saying my name... my very non-Jewish name.

And so that is where I am. Where I will be tomorrow... I do not know. But that I must leave in the hands of the One, Who has already seen the face of my beloved and knows the names of my little ones. May Hashem keep them safe until we can all be together in His time and His way.

To my sisters

2006-08-23T15:13:00.000-05:00

I am missing my sisters very much. The further I go on my journey to conversion the harder it is to leave them behind. I grieve for simpler times. Memories shared. Common bonds and the connection of having been born into the same family. Same parents. Same room. Same dog. Old jokes that now make sense to no one, but me. The familiar drive way. The big van. Coming home. Laurel and Hardy. John Wayne. Grandpa.

Then we grew up. It is gone. And gone forever. It is bridge that cannot be recrossed. Nothing and no one can replace them for me. I cannot take them with me on my journey for their path has forked off and gone a different way. Always they will be in my life, but never the same. All we had was when we were little and although we experienced the harshness of life we did not comprehend. We didn't know we were angry, nor with whom.

Perhaps what I grieve is imagined and not real. Distant memories, now altered to ease the pain of what never was. Perhaps I grieve what might have been. I do not know. I only know that I am grieving. I do not wish for a minute to turn back... but still the tears must come. It is all apart of the journey.

To my sisters. I will forever love you, no matter where I go.

Maturity of the Soul

2006-08-16T10:28:00.000-05:00

The ultimate elevation of the soul is to find it has purpose. To discover that it is not here simply to be, but to accomplish, to heal, to make better. In that moment of discovery, the soul graduates from being G-d's little child to become His representative.

From the teachings of the Lubavitcher Rebbe; rendered by Tzvi Freeman.

Latest messages from the universe...

2006-08-16T10:11:00.000-05:00

Lesson #1
I have learned I cannot be so arrogant as to presume to know why G-d does anything, good or evil.

I can only know the lessons I learn from the things He allows to happen to me and the people He allows to cross my path. G-d uses circumstances to guide me, not to explain why.

Lesson #2
I cannot be so arrogant as to presume to know the purpose of another human being. G-d created EVERY human being with a purpose.

However, I can only discover and know the purpose of my own life and choose to fulfill it. I cannot judge the place or circumstances I may find another person in because I do not know the journey they are on nor where they have come from.

The Cliched Truth

2006-07-28T15:28:00.000-05:00

Today I struggle with doing enough. As the war for the soul of Israel rages I know I should do more, but what, when, how? I can't get away from the thought that ultimately good must prevail. G-d is goodness and He is the one who created everything, the good, the bad and the ugly. Evil is something He uses for a higher purpose we can't understand.

Therefore in the meantime what do we do? I think about trusting Him, and I do. I think about loving Him, but how do I show it?

As I thought about this I thought about how I'd love to reach out and touch Him. To show in my most human way that I love Him. I would love to hug G-d. It's how we show we care. I'd love to go cook Him dinner or buy Him groceries or make Him a present. It made me very sad to think that I can never touch Him.

But then it dawned on me and we've all heard it a million times before, but the Truth isn't hard, it's always right in front of us, precisely within our reach.

We CAN touch G-d. We can hug Him, shake His hand, show Him we care. We can go buy groceries or bake a cake... any number of creative ways that we can think of to show that what is happening matters to us and that we want to make a difference.

You guessed it.... Ahavas Israel ..... Ahavas Ha Olam

The person sitting next to you, your next door neighbor....whomever it may be. It sounds old and worn out, but that is how the Creator set it up. He wants us to love him by loving those we can touch.

Ground Troops

2006-07-28T09:34:00.000-05:00

I have struggled for a long time with the concept of freewill. If G-d is in charge of everything and controls everything, then where is the freewill in that.

In my most cynical days the concept of freewill sounded like a way to give G-d the credit for all the good stuff that happens while blaming us for all the things that go wrong.

But while talking to a friend recently about the many ways that G-d works in our lives, Hashem had mercy and finally put this image in my mind... a soldier flattened against the ground while elbowing his way through the thick underbrush. Hidden by his camaflauge, the sweat pours down his face in the hot jungle... he reaches for his radio. He is in enemy territory.

Then it hit me. This is life. This is how it works. Of course Hashem controls everything, He made everything. But to every soul, Jews and non-Jews alike He gave a mission that literally only that person can complete. The mission is critical and must be carried out. Lives lay in the balance. The stakes are very high.

Hashem is our radio tower, our intelligence officer. Only He can tell us where the enemy is and how to avoid the traps that have been laid for us. Only Hashem can tell us the direction to go for supplies and ammunition. Step by step He will guide us. And that is where the law of freewill kicks in. Only if we choose to use our radios, (you guessed it... prayer, along with teshuva to keep the lines of communication open), to ask Him for those directions. IT IS THAT SIMPLE. If we choose not to ask for help we have turned our very existence into a suicide mission. Our souls WILL die.

Ultimately Good will triumph, Evil cannot win. But in the end G-d doesn't want even ONE soul to be lost to the enemy. He has provided us with ABSOLUTELY everything we need in the power of freewill to make sure that never has to happen. It really is up to us.

Is your radio on?

Same Page

2006-05-18T12:30:00.000-05:00

Ok... I have been officially blown away. I just came back from a Chabad Lunch 'n' Learn that is held in my building every Thursday.

We learned about tzaddiks versus the average person. Tzaddiks have no struggle with right or wrong, they always desire to do Hashem's will. The average person has no control over their own desire to sometimes do things contrary to Hashem's will. They have to control their actions which are the garments that cover the neshama.

I am not doing this much justice, but hopefully you get the idea. Tzaddiks always do good because they don't desire to do anything else. The average person has to struggle to choose to do good.

I then returned to my desk after this lesson and read the Chabad 'Thought for the Day', which is always taken from the Rebbe's writings.

And this is what I found...

Fortitude
Maybe you feel you just can't hack it. You know there is nothing to fear, but you are afraid. You know there are no obstacles that cannot be overcome, but those, you claim, are words for the lionhearted. Your heart is somewhat less of iron and more of flesh. You know fear first hand, and it is ugly.
It's true, there are people who do not run from anything in this world. Even as they enter this world, they remain above and beyond. Their feet barely touch the ground.
They are the tzaddikim, who never enter the monster's lair. And therefore, they never truly defeat him. But you, with their strength, you will face that awesome fear inside you and you will wrestle it to the dust. For yourself and for all those after you.

From the wisdom of the Lubavitcher Rebbe; words and condensation by Tzvi Freeman. To order Tzvi's book, "Bringing Heaven Down to Earth, click here.

Coincidence?.... I think not! Isn't Hashem awesome!!!

OTR

When You're Smiling...

2006-05-17T12:46:00.000-05:00

When you're smiling, when you're smiling,
The whole worlds smiles with you,
When you're laughing, when you're laughing,
The sun comes shining through...

And so begins one of my favorite songs of all time made famous by one of my most favorite people of all time... Judy Garland.

I recently found out that this was one of my grandfather's favorite songs as well. :)

And I have found out just how true this song can be...

I woke up in the middle of the night very tense. I got up and walked my dog and then tried to lay back down. I wanted to turn on the TV just so there would be something to drown out my brain which would not stop. I started to talk to G-d... just whatever popped into my head, but I wasn't 'feeling' any better. Then I remembered what I've heard many times about Rebbe Nachman. He taught that you must force yourself to be happy no matter what. You have to fight with everything that is in you. He said that G-d can't speak to you if you are unhappy (loosley paraphrasing). I didn't feel like getting up to dance or skip or anything, so I just lay there and forced all my face muscles up into a very tight, insincere smile. After a few minutes I began to imagine how silly I must look with this maniacal grin on my face and the smile became a bit more genuine. :-)

Then the most amazing thing happened... I literally felt something release inside me, starting with the hard knot of tension that lay in my chest. The pressure came streaming out like air from a popped balloon. I felt every muscle in my body relax in succession all the way down to the bottom of my feet and up to the top of my head. My fists unclenched as my head sank deeper into my pillows and my brain stopped spinning. It was absolutely incredible and better than any massage I'd ever had!

Finally I fell asleep again and slept like a baby.

It was really like a miracle. Who knew a smile could be miraculous? :-)

Of course this goes to prove my life-long theory of "he who laughs most, lives longest". LOL!

Keep on smilin'!

OverTheRainbow

In the middle...

2006-05-02T15:58:00.000-05:00

...I'm feeling very 'in the middle' these days. I am still quite a ways from my goal of conversion and yet the closer I get the stronger the pull becomes and more I want to get there, faster. At the same time I know I have to maintain the steady pace that I've set for myself. That is so hard to do. What can I say...

I guess some day I'll look back on these random posts and smile... G-d willing

On the journey...

2006-05-02T08:00:00.001-05:00

...I am feeling so 'verklemped' these days, as they say. Can't seem to stop crying. And for all the progress I'd like to think I've made there are days when I feel as if I've regressed right back to a three-yr-old again.

I'd like to stop crying. I hate going to work anymore and I hate being alone and I hate that I can't seem to stop watching television even though I want to. I can only stand the dead silence for so long... anyway...

That's just where I am at... on my journey.

otr

The Chol Hamoed Blues

2006-04-17T08:01:00.000-05:00

So this was my first Pesach in the community. I was invited out for both seders and every meal during the first days. I absolutely loved it. I met so many people in the community that I had seen but didn't really know. I made so many new friends and lost count of how many times I told my story.

Today I am crashing hard. I guess I just haven't really had time to process everything that happened. Also, as wonderful as it was, I felt very stretched by the experience. And in a way it was kind of scary. I really had to come out of my comfort zone and it is hard to show up at an orthodox event and say your name when you don't yet have Jewish one. And my name is extremely "un-Jewish".

And I have not yet factored in the three visits I had with my sisters in one week just prior to Pesach. And while they were actually quite lovely visits, I still find it emotionally taxing to be around my family.

And so I find myself trying to comprehend all that has happened. I want to laugh at myself because it was good stuff but I'm not reacting as if it were, but it's probably normal and I'll probably bounce back just in time for the last days...:)

The Long Haul

2006-03-17T14:09:00.000-05:00

I can honestly say that in my entire life I have never been happier, never more content.

Just ask my grandmother. She's thrilled. Everytime I talk to her she tells me how she doesn't worry about me anymore.

Certainly I haven't arrived and I mean "happier, more contented" comparatively speaking. But it is true and having direction in my life and such a real connection with Hashem has brought me alot of peace.

It has also made my Yetzer Hara stronger. Oddly enough, when you are a Christian you are taught that the closer you get to G-d the harder it will be for "Satan" to get to you.

Judaism, as always, offers the reality check that it is not "Satan" who is our true enemy, but our very own selves, the evil inclination within us.

Whether I like it or not it's not going anywhere and the harder I try and the stronger I get, it just grows right along with me. It's like a work out partner that never lets you stop...:)

So even though I'm happier, more content with a clear direction, I now face the real me and think often to myself that I will never make it. The end of my journey to convert seems so very far away and even when I'm "official" the "journey" doesn't end. Sometimes I get tired just thinking about it. It's how I feel in these few minutes. Very shortly, however, I will probably think of some small victory that I have won today over my Yetzer Hara or some milestone that I have reached and it will bring a smile to my face and a thrill to my neshama.

And then my Yetzer Hara will smile right back and demand a 100 push ups or 50 more laps around the track...

OTR

Olympic Measure

2006-02-27T09:44:00.000-05:00

Recently a friend of mine posted the following Rebbe Nachman quote on her blog:

The whole battle is over a hairsbreadth. In other words, If someone wants to be victorious all in one go, it's impossible. But if all you have to do each time is move one hairsbreadth forward, you can! All you have to do is take a little step from bad to good.

As I was watching the Olympics this year this quote came back to my mind. Almost all of the games are measured down to the 1/100 of a second or 1/100 of a point. In the fastest game in the Olympics, the luge, it is measured down to 1/1000 of a second which on the ice comes down to a mere 1/4 of an inch. The games are so competitive that the difference between gold and bronze is often no more than the blink of an eye, literally, a split second.

These Olympians train for four years, morning, noon and night. They eat, sleep and breathe their sport in order to improve by just "a hairsbreadth".

Understanding the Redemption

2006-02-22T12:58:00.000-05:00

My whole life I lived in fear of the end of the world. I was raised in a fundamental Christian group who believed emphatically in the rapture or 'second coming'. As a little girl I constantly worried about being 'left behind', not being good enough, or making a fateful mistake right before this hoped for, yet dreaded, event and being deemed unworthy of redemption. This was especially scary, because we were taught that those who were 'left behind' had to suffer through a three and half year long bloody war and then they got to go to hell.

When I left Christianity, I no longer believed in the 'end of the world' or the rapture because I no longer believed in JC and since at that time I had no idea what to believe, I just chose not to think about it because the whole idea still freaked me out so much.

Therefore when I came to Judaism and started my conversion process, the absolutely hardest thing for me to accept was the concept of Messiah and the 'redemption', which for me sounded a whole lot like the 'end of the world'. Because I knew so little of the Jewish concept of the redemption, it really sent me into a panic. I didn't want to have to spend every moment of the rest of my life once again waiting for the world to be turned upside down. I talked to my Jewish friends about it and they explained that the Jewish concept of the 'end of the world' was not even comparable to the Christian view. First of all Messiah's not G-d and the world doesn't actually end. This was hard for me to grasp, but over time it began to sink in and little by little I became less afraid, but I still didn't quite understand.

Yesterday, I had the privilege of hearing a Katrina survivor tell her story. And her story has given me an entirely new perspective of the coming of the Messiah and the 'redemption'. She spoke of a concept I hadn't quite connected to the redemption. I know it has been mentioned and my whole life I've heard the scriptures of how the messianic age would usher in peace between everyone, 'the lion will lay down with the lamb', etc. But it just hadn't clicked yet exactly what that meant. But when I heard a real life story of a recent event that actually was for her a taste of the redemption, it finally became something that I can REALLY look forward to.

This lady had already lived thru the world being turned upside down. There was literally complete darkness, no electricity, no water, no food, no safety. Murders over gas shortages. Horrors beyond human belief. If that doesn't sound like the end of the world, I don't know what does. And it was the end of the world for those people. It was the end of their world as they knew it. They can rebuild, but it will never be the same. Many people will never return. Those who do return have to start all over. But at the same time, this lady (she is the Rebbetzin of a Chabad shul in New Orleans) said that although she never wanted to go thru something like that again, she would not trade this experience for anything in the world. I was amazed at this statement. It sounded like hell, how could she say this? Then she explained that in the experience she had seen a glimpse of the redemption. In the midst of all the chaos, people came together. They risked their lives to rescue others. A curtain was pulled back and life's true priorities were brought into clear focus in the light of seemingly meaningless disaster. Communities became valued over individual ideals and people were valued over possessions. Families were bound tightly together and strangers became family.

Her story brought tears to my eyes. Finally I understood what the Jewish people mean, when they beg for Messiah to come, for the redemption to come. Sure it will be ugly. It will probably even be dangerous and we may have to wait a little longer and pray a little longer and be patient a little longer, but in the end we will all know why we are really here on this planet and the peace won't come from a magical wand that gets waved over the 'ashes of the wicked'. We still have to work it out ourselves, with the help of G-d. And we will. One day we are going to 'get it'. We are going to come together just like we were always supposed to..... and that will truly be Redemption.

May it be today!

Weight Watchers & Keepin' Kosher

2006-02-21T13:25:00.000-05:00

Recently I joined Weight Watchers (based on some good advice from a very dear friend). I didn't have alot to lose. I had just reached the magical age where my metabolism was no longer bailing me out of my bad eating habits...:) And so mostly I joined to retrain myself in all the things my mother had tried to teach me when I was 10. More broccoli, less chocolate. No it's not that bad... of all the programs out there, WW seems to be the most balanced and you don't have to give up anything, you just have to eat less of certain things and more of others. No miracles, just alot of previously-never-applied-because-I-didn't-have-to common sense.

What in the world does this have to do with keeping kosher? Well, up until this point I was still wondering how in the world I was ever going to live without being able to pop into Burger King and the local pizza shops whenever I wanted to. I wouldn't be able to order in. I'd have to *gasp*... cook it myself! And although I didn't really worry about it alot, I still wondered how hard it would be.

Then after almost 2 months on WW, it dawned on me that I had already given up all those things without kosher being the reason for any of it. They were simply too many points to be worth it!! LOL!!

So now, keeping kosher seems a little less daunting and my mom would be quite proud of all the vegetables I consume! LOL!! (I've learned that a little olive oil makes everything taste better and it's good for you too!)

It was a lesson I never expected to learn just by trying to lose a few pounds.

I just love when I realize that G-d has been showing me something all along and I didn't even know it!

OTR

The All Merciful One

2006-02-06T10:23:00.000-05:00

Recently I was talking to a friend about being tested by G-d. She said she believes G-d tests us not so He can see what we are made of, but so that we ourselves can see what we are made of. It really made sense. G-d is all-knowing. He already knows how we are going to react or what we are going to do. He doesn't need to test us to find out. But when we weather a test or make it thru hard times or overcome temptation, our confidence is built and our emunah is strengthened. Little by little we are able to see that we are capable of serving Hashem with pure hearts and strength of purpose.

This is very encouraging to me. G-d tests me so I can see that I can serve and trust Him. I have also tested G-d by praying right out loud for things that I feel are beyond my control or for things for which I do not yet feel I have the strength to handle. I have been amazed every single day for He has not yet left a prayer unanswered and I have felt Him holding my hand to help me walk thru that, which at the time, look like a burning wall of fire or an impossibly high mountain.

I want Him to know that I am thankful beyond words and grateful beyond measure. I tell Him everyday and just wanted to share about His faithfulness and mercy which have been to me far beyond anything I could have ever imagined and so much more than anything I could ever hope to deserve.

Baruch Hashem

OTR

Level of Difficulty

2006-01-23T16:22:00.000-05:00

Whatever you do... NEVER tell G-d that you want to have more faith.

Well, actually, you should of course, but before you do you should be prepared for what is to come. He thinks much more highly of us than we do ourselves when it comes to what we think we can handle.

The Ride of My Life

2006-01-18T11:32:00.000-05:00

When I first started the conversion process someone said to me that it would be like a roller coaster ride. I was amused of course, but didn't have any idea what they were talking about.

Since then I have been moving right along, learning prayers, saying blessings, going to shul, classes... anything and everything that I could do to make me Jewish ASAP. But apparently I lost sight of something along the way because Hashem has seen fit to bring all that to a screeching halt. I must say I'm not happy about it. I was quite content to just roll along and do whatever it is that makes you Jewish. But recently, I was forced to look at the fact that the path I was on would be doing no more than I had as a Christian... what I was TOLD to do. Now I have to look at the WHY.... but why, I want to know, is the why so important. I've been racking my brains for days. And although I'm sure the answer is right there in front of me, it doesn't come. What difference does it make. I honestly don't understand why every person who comes to believe that Judaism is true doesn't just convert anyway.

Once you determine that something is truth, why ask why?

I think perhaps this stems from some leftover Christian programming, that in the long run would make it very hard for me to be Jewish or to have a real relationship with G-d... the kind He reallys wants to have with us. Or perhaps doing what I'm told without questioning is just easier. It comes naturally... I am the oldest of six children after all. Perhaps actually getting to know G-d terrifies me. Sometimes I don't pray for things, just because He will probably answer me and then I am confronted on another level with His reality.... if that makes any sense.

And although I am thankful that He loves me enough to make me think, I am also incredibly frustrated that this is so hard for me.

With hope that this stomach-in-my-throat plunge will soon swing upwards once again on the roller coaster that is conversion to Judaism and knowing that there is a reason for it all, I continue...

OverTheRainbow

Whispers

2006-01-05T10:11:00.000-05:00

Complete darkness
No voice answers
Cold, alone
Abandoned
Betrayed
Deceived
Left in a daze, unprepared
Crushed beneath the weight of disbelief

The throat aches from too many tears
The heart breaks, too heavy with fear

Will tomorrow come, it seems unlikely
Swallowed up by the pain... desparately searching for a reason
to put one foot in front of the other

He whispers my name... I follow.

Spending wisely

2006-01-03T22:09:00.000-05:00

I have recently learned some very good spending habits which have certainly made my life a lot better. It wasn't easy. It took a good two years to develop a spending plan that really seems to work for me and it is something that I continually refine as my life changes. For me the key to managing money was learning to live within the boundaries of the amount I make.

It occured to me today that what I learned about money can be applied to every aspect of life. Time management, food management (eating healthy) and one I had never thought of before... emotional management. I realized today (after having a good talk with a dear friend) that there have been many times (too many times) in my life that I have put myself into emotional bankruptcy. And just as I learned about money, I don't have to do that. Certainly there are emergencies that can't be avoided; that's a part of life. There are stressful situations in which we find ourselves unexpectedly. But even with money there is a category all by itself to save for the unexpected.

My emotional energy is just as precious and valuable as my money or my time. I need to be just as careful not to 'overdraw' my emotional bank account by planning too many emotionally draining events too close together, so that I have time to build up my reserves in between.

This past holiday season I didn't allow myself any space for mourning the fact that for another year my family still isn't and never will be the safe haven I had always hoped they would be. I just went thru the days as if they were no different from any other. Then my niece came to visit for a whole week, which was wonderful, but brought with it all the painful memories of how I was raised as a child. I see it happening to her and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. Then she leaves and I never took into consideration how much I was going to miss her and at the same time feel guilty for being glad to have the house all to myself again.

In the meantime, I am of absolutely no good to anyone around me because I have allowed myself to be completely spent.

I am most grateful for my friends. They are the balance in my life. They truly love me no matter what and love me enough to point out when I am acting like I've lost my mind. Sometimes they are the only way that I know something is wrong. But with G-d's help I will change that. I will be working on a new spending plan... an emotional spending plan. And the first thing I need to learn is my limits. How much can I handle? What times am I stronger/weaker than others? What emotionally draining events can be avoided, which can by limited and how can they all be on my own terms?

thankful for your continued prayer and support.... OTR

Strength in weakness

2006-01-03T14:31:00.000-05:00

I am learning. Learning that admitting I can't handle something doesn't mean I am inadequate. It means I am honest. It means I have a clear perspective of what I can handle versus what I am not (and may never be) prepared to handle.

This is particularly difficult when it comes to family and when you have been raised with a 'hero' (the need to save the world) complex all your life.

I am much better than I ever was before as I had cut off from my family for many years. But recently I tried again, thinking I could be of some help and perhaps make up for all of the years that I couldn't be there for them.

I have learned things that I thought I already knew. That you can't help those who don't want to be helped, you can't make them want to be helped and anything done out of guilt, even the tiniest little bit only makes things worse.

I've learned that I can not, nor do I have to, stand by and watch my sisters continue to allow themselves to be used. I don't have to watch my siblings continually bullied by my father. I have chosen to walk away from that life and to live among people who have chosen sanity. I can only work on me. And when my sisters decide to walk away in search of help, they know where to find me. I have learned that I cannot go back to where they are to help them. I can only go forward and pave a path that they may one day choose to follow.

continuing... OverTheRainbow

What a Day!

2005-12-23T11:25:00.000-05:00

LOL...first of all I have realized that the majority of my post titles end in exclamation points! LOL!!

Well that's just how my life has been going and yesterday was no different.

Yesterday, I turned 'the big 3-0' as my sister calls it. I am the oldest of six. Up to this point we were all in our twenties so they're pretty weirded out that one of us is 30 now...:) because that means they're not far behind....;-)

Over the last few days I have really been doing alot of reflecting about my life. Part of me was shocked that I'd made it this far and part of me was very excited...partially because of how far I've come and partially to see what the future will hold.

Thirty seems to be pretty cool though. I am very grateful because I feel that I've learned so much about life and have much more direction than ever before, but I still have so many years ahead of me to put it all to use, to learn even more and to follow the path that I've chosen.

Yesterday morning my best friend called me first thing. She's always the first one to wish me a Happy Birthday. At work I got a card and a cake. One of the guys at work is Jewish and knows I'm converting...so he wrote 'Mazel Tov'.

Then I was supposed to go to my family's house (my best friend and her family) at 7:30 for a special birthday dinner. Didn't really think too much of it because every year she cooks a special dinner for me. But when I walked thru the door she yelled 'surprise!' and a bunch of other people popped out of nowhere!

Then I found out that more people were coming and that there were still more that had been invited but couldn't come because they were sick at the last minute. Apparently she had been planning this for a very long time. She even called my friend at work to invite her. I had no idea.
All the presents I received were Judaica even from the people who didn't know I was converting! They just thought I would like Jewish things and were very happy to hear that I had decided to convert. I was given a book on Jewish prayer, a book on the 13 principles of faith and a pesach plate!

Then we all ate cake and ice cream and danced to Matisyahu!

I felt so loved and so unbelievably blessed. I know I sound like a broken record sometimes, but truly everyone should have in their life the caliber of people that I do and everyone should have such a life!

OverTheRainbow

It's Official!

2005-12-19T16:16:00.000-05:00

I can hardly believe it... only two short months after I contacted my first rabbi (just to 'get the ball rolling') I have officially begun the conversion process. I try not to think about everything that I have to learn as it would be very overwhelming, but I think instead of how excited I am about this incredible opportunity and the amazing way that it has all unfolded.

Of course, I am naturally the kind of person who tends to fast forward things in their head and I've already planned a trip to Israel! An entire year of learning in Israel sounds just like heaven.

But L-rd knows I've got plenty to do before that happens.

With a grateful heart,

overtherainbow

Life as a Musical

2005-12-16T11:38:00.000-05:00

Did you ever wish life was a musical?

No... I didn't think so. I am the only person I know who would ever wish something like that. I often think how great it would be if life were to imitate art in this way. Just think how it would be if you were feeling really sad or really happy and you (and everyone around you who just happen to know the same song LOL) with your head thrown back, hands in the air, could sing exactly what you feel at the top of your lungs.

I think that must be why musicals are so alluring to me. Everyone just says (sings) what they're thinking right out loud and on key too...:) It seems like it would be very cathartic to be able to just burst out singing like that.

I mean there are so many times during the day when I just want to break out singing or dancing or something (but people already think I'm crazy) and how much cooler would it be with a full orchestra backing me up.

Oh well... in my world it is very musical ...and I have a grand time there. ;)

Nothingness

2005-11-30T13:12:00.000-05:00

Recently, the 'nothingness' that I spoke of in a previous post has been trying to pull me back in again. All of the ideals and ideas and even resentments I'd had before seem to be trying to creep back in. It brings with it the elusive appeal that maybe... somehow, someway I could still be a truly fulfilled person without G-d as a permanent part of my life. I suppose this is a normal part of growing and it's probably normal for someone who is trying to lift theirself out of nothingness.

I do not fight with myself over it. I learned not to do that when I left Christianity. I try very hard not to judge myself for having it in my thoughts. Instead I look within objectively (as much possible) and simply observe what goes on inside me. Because I know that if I can stay still long enough the truth will emerge once again, crystal clear to me.

I find it very interesting that the 'nothingness' should try to return at this particular point in my life. I have recently been through a rather hard time because of the holidays and because of a forced separation from my biological family.

And I gently remind myself to remember that 'nothingness' can be deceptively appealing when we are in pain and would rather be numb to all that is real and true. Truth means life, but also often means the intense light of self examination and soul searching.

And so I watch and pray over my soul. Asking G-d to continue to guide, asking from myself only to listen very carefully for the still, small voice that has never led me astray.

Closed Doors, Open Window (revised)

2005-11-09T10:37:00.000-05:00

My life has been a prime example of the saying, "When G-d closes a door, somewhere He opens a window." It's not that there have been flashing neon arrows pointing me in the direction I should go (and not that I would have always listened, even if there had been), but for as long as I can remember, G-d has been part of my life; making the supposedly impossible, possible and putting the supposedly good and right, suddenly out of reach. And as long as I was willing to hear and follow this still, small voice, as long as I was willing to take that leap of faith, He has always been faithful to lead me.

I was born and raised in fundamental Christianity. No questions asked, it was simply what we believed. When I was 25, there were several, shall we say, "discrepancies" that were brought to my attention regarding JC, etc. I went to my pastor, rather disturbed, but sure that he would put it right. I was simply told, that I had very good, logical questions. But surprisingly there was little, to no attempt to answer them. I could not, and would not base my eternal salvation on a religion that couldn't stand up to honest questioning. To do so, just didn't make sense to me.

The next five years were rather tumultuous. I was devastated that everything and everyone that I had believed in was proving to be untrustworthy. Where did that leave G-d in all of this, I wondered. Did He really exist? Could I trust Him? For a short period of time, I did not believe, could not believe, would not believe. I was too hurt, too angry, too stubborn. But G-d has a way of gently nudging His way back into your life. He's pretty irresistible. And one day He showed me a tiny moth (I'll never forget it) that had landed on the front door. It honestly looked as if its markings had been perfectly hand drawn with a red colored pencil. It was so delicate and perfect in everyway. I knew that day without a doubt that there was a G-d and that what happened to me mattered.

I was still lost. I studied Buddhism, Shamanism, Pagamism, Druidism...just about every religion that there is. In the mean time, my best friend discovered that she was Jewish and was becoming more observant all the time, so I was also learning about Judaism. I helped clean for Pesach, danced at Simchat Torah, celebrated at a Bar Mitvah, a Purim party and Sukkot. And for the last several years had the honor of keeping Shabbat with my friend and her family. Most of the people in my neighborhood think I'm Jewish anyway...:). But little by little I was dying inside. None of the other religions that I had studied were doing anything for me spiritually and I kept thinking to myself, I'm not Jewish so that would never work. I tried studying how to be a good Noachide, but for some reason that just made me furious and more frustrated.

Recently I stopped learning altogether, stopped listening, stopped trying. I guess I just gave up and decided I didn't care what was true. I would just be nothing. But this time I didn't get a still, small voice. This time it felt more like a bucket of cold water right in the face or a knock upside the head. G-d used a rather devastating event to wake me up to the very serious reality that all the while I was choosing to ignore G-d, I was losing myself, the person that I really and truly am, the person that I really and truly want to be. Even though I didn't believe in Christianity anymore, I had never stopped believing in the morals and ethics I had been taught. But when you live in this world without G-d in your life and yet try to live above it, you are asking the impossible. And it dawned on me that the truth of Judaism offered all of the ethics and morality that were important to me and then some, but without the fear, the guilt or the apologetics. Living according to the Torah meant making G-d part of every event, every moment of your life.

I was shocked, scared, surprised, ecstatic. I wanted to convert?! Yes, I did. For the first time in as long as I could remember, I felt hope, direction and new purpose. Over the last few weeks I did a lot of reading and research regarding the conversion process. When I finally called the local Rabbi, I was happily surprised to be given an appointment just one week later.

That was yesterday! And after hearing my story, the Rabbi has agreed to accept me for the conversion process without turning me away the traditional three times! He was careful to explain that the Jewish people do not proselytize so this was not the usual proceedings. But I had already been learning about Judaism for so many years, had explored all my other religious options, had been part of the local community for the last three years and I'm not dating anyone. He said it was very interesting that I came to see him during the parsha of Lech Lecha and that he would make some phone calls on my behalf and call me back next week!

Talk about an open window! I have never been more in awe at seeing G-d work in my life. I am humbled by the mercy He has shown me and certainly don't feel worthy, but it makes me more determined than ever to not let Him down. And looking back over my life I can truly say that I am just as thankful for the miracles of the closed doors as I am for the open windows because all of them have led me straight back to G-d.

OverTheRainbow

Simchat Torah!

2005-10-26T09:52:00.000-05:00

Simchat Torah!! My favorite Jewish holiday of all. I attend the local Lubavitch center for this celebration and their custom is to take the Torahs right out into the middle of the street and dance and sing! I love watching the traffic go slowly around the next block, the strangers stopping and staring. On this day everyone has to stop and see the Torah...:)

Welcome to my world!

2005-10-24T15:39:00.000-05:00

To all who happen across this blog...hello and welcome.

I must say I was a bit hesitant about starting a blog of my own, although a friend of mine has recently started her own and is quite good at it. However, my life has taken a rather unexpected turn of late and after some encouragement from my friend, I thought it might be fun to write and share my adventures with others.

My dear friend has cleverly observed that the title of my blog holds a double meaning for me. The more obvious one may be that I am simply mad about Judy Garland...:)...and have been for as long as I can remember. I think she is one of the greatest people that ever lived. She has been a huge inspiration to me and only fellow fans can truly appreciate the connection one can feel with a person you've never met and who passed on long before you were even born.

The second meaning is probably not as obvious, but it is the most important of the two. I am a Noachide, but have recently decided to convert to Judaism. Therefore, I am leaving the covenant of the 'rainbow' in order to become part of the covenant of Abraham and part of the Jewish people. Since I've made this decision, I have never been more scared, excited or hopeful in my whole life!

So I am dedicating this blog to sharing my story in hopes that it will be an encouragement to anyone who happens to find me here. For whether you are a Noachide (non-Jew) or a Jew we all share the same purpose ...to serve G-d with all of our heart, with all of our soul and with all of our might.

My sincere wish is that all who seek truth will find it and that all will seek the truth.

Happy landings,

OverTheRainbow